We had a cold, lightless, fog filled weekend where I ventured out, alone, to capture its beauty in hopes of stimulating some positivity to come my way, but a somberness sauntered throughout the week. Lately, it seems as if trials continue to be tossed my way, and nothing is quite going the way I plan…maybe that is my problem…I need to let go and allow God to handle it.
Divorce: I’ve been attempting to obtain a non-contested divorce from one of the most evil men I have ever met. I submitted all of the paperwork to the court in November and was told I needed to make several corrections which I did and resubmitted them again in hopes that I can soon wake from this nightmare. The paperwork was rejected again requesting additional corrections. Frustrating on many levels, but I continue to do what is asked. At every point I question if God is here. Is he seeing this? Does he care? Why am I put through all of the pain while he has any control? At one point in the process he sent his mother the divorce paperwork and she felt compelled to write her initials at the bottom of each page along with the page number. Well, I needed to make a correction on one of the pages and now am required to have her same initial on the bottom of the corrected page in order to move forward—or I need to start the process all over again. She claims to be a Godly woman, but has done nothing except to cause additional pain. I sent her the original paper to sign and return and a month later have not received it back. Why on earth is a man who committed such a heinous crime allowed to have any control or say? I continue to be hopeful, try to understand the lesson God is wanting me to gain from all of this, and know that there is a reason—one I may never know or understand, but He has a plan.
Love: I am lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend who encourages me even when I allow the stress to build up and unexpectedly flow his way. I have been on edge with him this week as we would like to plan for our future together, but must wait until my past is settled. All in due time…
Family: Many of you know that I reactivated my Facebook account this month, and that ignited some conflict between my dear prodigal daughter and me when she misunderstood a comment I left on a photo she posted. Our relationship has had ongoing strain, but I finally decided that I will love from afar. I will no longer be a puppet she pulls out, manipulating, when she needs to be bailed out…literally and figuratively. I look back to think where I went wrong as a parent…what I could have done better…why is it that my pig-tailed, little girl who once ran to me with open arms, beaming as she clung to my legs thinks it acceptable and appropriate to repeatedly cause such devastation with her words and actions?!?! Does she even realize she is? This is not how I envisioned our mother-daughter relationship. I struggled with this quite a bit this week, but I guess now I know how God must feel with how I’ve been treating Him.
Career: This week marked the end of the semester, post-assessments were given, and the ELA exams were today. I’m confident my students (some who have failed this exam two or more times prior to me) were well prepared. All the times I heard, “Ms….you do too much” makes it all worth it! Now, I sit and wait for the scores to come back.
A highlight of my week was yesterday when I received an email from a former student (pictured below). He wanted to touch base and let me know that he started his first day of college. I cried as soon as I read it! I pushed him and pushed him that he needed to continue his education and use his writing talent, and to hear that he was doing that made me incredibly proud . It was an honor that he thought to email me his first day!
I leave you with a few more photos capturing the somber beauty of the fog.
After typing all of this I wonder if it makes sense, if I was too candid, if I wasn’t candid enough…
The week may have had a somber tone, but my soul still shines…