I’ve been an emotional mess lately, and decided to just sit down and let it all out this way…well maybe not all, but whatever comes (just as I often advise my students to do)…with the hope that maybe I’ll feel better or maybe connect with someone who just might understand even a tiny bit of what I’m going through. Ohhhh…where do I start…
In 2010 my husband raped my daughter. I think I’m still in shock this could happen to me, to my daughter, to my children, and not only am I still in shock, I’m still in pain, and still trying to heal. Nobody comes to your home to help you, guide you, and there is no book on what to do to keep your life from falling apart…you are alone. Alone to pick up the pieces, alone in keeping the rest from crumbling, alone to sit and wonder how this could happen. People are around in the shadows, but do they really understand why you act a certain way? Why you keep your distance? Why you have had to shift your lifestyle to be the sole parent to your children? Are they judging? Shouldn’t I be over it already? It has been six years! Do I care they judge? I must right? Uggg…is this making sense?!?!
We shall call the individual who raped my daughter, yes, RAPED, not “sexually assaulted”, not “touched”, I will call it for what it is..RAPE..we shall call him…hmmm…hmmm….still can’t come with anything….I guess we will call him, “Jon”.
Well in 2015 “Jon” verbally agreed to a non-contested divorce which would stipulate that I would keep the house to do what I choose to do with it. I had the papers drawn up and sent the stipulation agreement in March. He sent a letter on my birthday in April stating that he would send it as soon as possible. I have been looking every day since, and nothing has come. I called the prison several times, and was told that he is playing games, and that he has access to a notary twice a week and has never signed up. I sent a letter two weeks ago stating I want the papers by June 6th or I will be going another route for the divorce (this way I’m told could take much longer), and will be going for everything if I have to do that. Still no papers.
In the process of all of this I’ve still been living in the house he raped my daughter in, paying all the bills, keeping it up-to-date, replaced the roof (those aren’t cheap), hot water heater (those aren’t cheap either), and have wanted nothing more than to move out, and move on. I’ve had to work hard to keep this house, a house I’ve tried to make a home for my children despite what happened in it. I’m proud of what I’ve made it into, but need a fresh start.
I’ve been looking at houses online here and there (as I’m waiting to receive the signed agreement), and one caught my eye. It is BEAUTIFUL! I looked at the listing every now and then, and then the price was reduced. This past Sunday I decided to go look at it just to see….I was actually hoping that it would be a hole in the wall and I would stop dreaming about it. I get all kinds of excited, and my children are talking about hide-n-seek, nerf wars, the porch, beautiful flowers planted all over, which bedroom they want, and how cool the basketball hoop in the garage is. This will be our fresh start. I call my realtor, and reality smacks me in the face…I can’t sell MY home until he signs the papers. He is forcing us to live in this house…a house he committed one of the most disgusting crimes in. How can a convicted criminal do this?!?!?! Reality hits me again…I’m typing this as I sit in the room he raped my daughter in…I need out of here! Again, I find myself in a place alone, where nobody understands.
“I’m gonna bathe myself in a wishing well” -Beth Hart